Finding The Right Person….
Posted by revdonc on June 10, 2008
Is it really about finding the right person or learning to be the right person? For sure, when you are dating you are bound to run into some folk that definitely should not be on your get-to-know list. We could spend a lot of time talking about what makes a person the right one. Instead, I’d like to turn your attention to what I believe can be a much more crucial question ‘what am I doing to be the right person’ when my right person comes along?‘
I was having a conversation with a nice young woman who is dating a nice young man. Instead of looking at all of the good characteristics he has, she is already focusing on an issue that, in the scheme of things, is really not that big. And while she is focusing on that particular issue, she is not looking at her own issues. I really fear that she could blow a potentially good relationship because of her attitude. And, I would hate to see this happen. In the long run, my concerns are not really about the particular young man but more about how this young woman is viewing relationships in general and what her role is in making them work.
Matt 7:2-4 For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you. “Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? How can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when all the time there is a plank in your own eye?
In any relationship, the only person you can ever hope to change is yourself. Women especially have a really bad habit of seeing the men they date as projects to be completed. We think that, with just a little bit of effort, we can transform them into what they need to be. This will never happen! I’ve been married 27 years. I know! Only God can change a person- and then only if the person wants to be changed. If you want a wonderful relationship, it is critical that you identify the plank in your own eye before trying to look for the sawdust in someone else’s. If you don’t, you’ll beat the heck out of them with your own issues.
Ask yourself some very honest questions. What issues do you really need to resolve so that you can be a blessing to the precious gift that God has for you? (Afterall, do you want someone to view you as their project?) Are you whole? Do you have hurts that need to be healed? If you are contemplating a long-term relationship that might end in marriage, what are you bringing to the table? Be honest. Do you have a lot of debt? Do you have your spending under control? Are you saving? Would someone want to share a home with you? Are you secure in who you are? Are you really as good a catch as you think you are or is God still doing a transforming work? I know you’re a gem, but even diamonds need to be cleaned to shine.
What are you thinking?
David Scimonelli said
This is all important stuff to think about. After a loooong dry spell, I finally found an amazing person almost two years ago. She was someone whom I had known for a year already and was very interested in, but things didn’t work out until they were ready to happen. And when it finally did, it turned into the greatest thing that’s ever come into my life. I am very blessed to say that she’s the first person who has accepted me and loved me for who I am, without seeing me as a project that needs fixing. I am grateful for that because being hurt in the past has made me a little defensive, ok a lot defensive of that kind of behavior.
In the process of the relationship, I’ve become a LOT more aware of the the little quirks about myself that I never noticed when I was alone because it didn’t matter to anyone but me. But I see how little things I do and say can have an incredibly positive effect or be hurtful if I don’t consider her feelings. One of the hardest things to understand at the beginning of the relationship was that my actions didn’t just affect me anymore. I have to compromise in situations and consider someone else’s needs/wants. Being young and focusing on your own career and life path makes it difficult to accept the day your life stops being about just you. I know that feeling will come ten-fold the day I become a parent.
As I feel that God has sent me this angel after all the years of waiting and praying for the right person, I realize that all the relationships that ended, the times my heart was broken, the moments of feeling like, “why should I keep being a good person when it never works out”, were helping me become the person I am today. If I hadn’t had all the experiences that taught me about what works and what doesn’t work for me in a loving relationship, I would not have been ready for the person I have in my life, and thankfully the experience has been the same for her. God brought us together when we were ready to do it right and above all APPRECIATE what we’ve found in each other.
Rev. Donna is right though, that as I head towards marriage, I am asking myself some deep questions and will keep working on myself so I can be the best ‘me’ I can be for my future wife. We’re all works in progress and I know I still have a ways to go.